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Have A Good Day!!

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A CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the guy who tried to mug me downtown
 night before last.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you
demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the
knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You
also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can
only hope that you somehow come across this rather 
important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; 
I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants 
when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. 
The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing 
the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy
that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a 
Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought
 me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol 
for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder 
holster for it that very evening. Obviously you 
agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when 
pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to 
wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. 
I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed 
since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, 
and wallet with me. [That prevented you from 
calling or running to your buddies to come help 
mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had 
her listed in your cell, I explained the entire 
episode of what you'd done. Then I went and 
filled up my gas tank as well as those of four 
other people in the gas station, -- on your 
credit card. The guy with the big motor home 
took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside 
Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash 
in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink 
"pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... 
after I broke the windshield and side window 
and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening 
phone calls to the DA's office and one to the 
FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my 
possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had 
a nice long chat (I guess while he traced 
your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not 
killing you ... but I feel this type of 
retribution is a far more appropriate punishment
for your threatened crime. I wish you well as 
you try to sort through some of these rather 
immediate pressing issues, and can only hope 
that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, 
and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've 
chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time 
you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Semper Fi,
Alex 

Picture credit:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/12341760@N00/4042460765/

 

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